"Show up, Shut Up, and Wear Beige!"

"Show up, shut up, and wear beige!" That was the humorous reaction of a friend of mine when I shared the happy news of my oldest sons engagement. It was the first time I heard this saying. Her explanation went something like this:

"In the good old days, a bride planned her wedding with her mother, her parents paid for the whole shebang, and the groom just showed up with his family, smiled, and said 'I do.' 

Beige or not, this is lovely.

In fact, the old adage for mothers of the groom was: 'Show up, shut up, and wear beige!' " 

(The "beige" reference a subtle warning to not upstage the bride or mother of the bride.)

I laughed at the absurdity of the statement. But as the mother of three boys, I admit, a question of unease flashed through my consciousness: Surely adherence to that old fashioned adage was long gone? My friend and I talked, laughed and eventually agreed that no one need worry. It was an out-dated attitude. 

The Happy Couple.

Sure enough, the happy day came and went and just as we assumed, everything was perfect.

 

Many years ago, it was implicitly understood that the groom and his family politely defer to the brides family regarding all planning and preparations. It was the standard, accepted practice and not considered negative. As wedding preparations ensued, the mother of the groom happily completed her assigned tasks. Content to wait for the big day, and basking when it finally arrived.

It's likely there were also situations that didn't go so smooth. Opinions and personalities would clash. Good ideas and bad ideas would be in the air. Disagreements over tiny details. Perhaps a bit rocky at times, but eventually issues were resolved, ruffled feathers smoothed over and all forgotten by the wedding day.

For real?

Regardless of current day expectations, both scenarios are plausible and still occur. Just watch any of  the wedding themed reality shows on Cable TV. The depicted scenes are so over-the-top, one wonders how scripted the "reality" is. I prefer to believe my reality - weddings are happy and joyous occasions.

In any event, marriage is one of life's biggest and happiest milestones. With the endless planning and preparations it is

natural that some of the days and situations get a little crazy. Take a deep breath and embrace the crazy. All of it. It is those unforeseen moments that live on as fond memories and stories for a lifetime.

Last month, years after first hearing "Show up, shut up and wear beige," I once again smiled. I am happily anticipating another wedding in November - my youngest son. I am not concerned about lingering notions regarding "Show up, shut up, and wear beige!" I know the day will be perfect. 

November 2016!

 

I Just Want Them Gone

Bright red "desirable" lady bug.

Where have all the ladybugs gone? When I was a child, ladybugs were a welcome sight. They were harmless, cheerful little critters. I'd pick them up, let them crawl on my hands and arms, eventually giving them a gentle flick into the grass. Times have changed. Don't be fooled that those orange beetles you see now-a-days are the same, charming ladybugs. You are most likely seeing an Asian Beetle Bug - in my house AKA a Stink Bug.

Orange Asian Beetle - AKA stink bug.

These unwelcome visitors infested the front of our south facing home last September. They were drawn to the bright and warm exterior.  We were unable to enjoy our porch most of the remaining warm fall days due to these pesky bugs. They were everywhere, sunning themselves on the siding and patio furniture. The majority were flying about. They are clumsy flyers and don't care where they land. Mistaking your skin for a leafy green plant they also bite. The bite is no worse then a pin prick and one's knee-jerk reaction is to slap them off your body. Thus threatened, they instinctively excrete an acrid, foul smelling yellow substance that can also leave a stain. 

A cluster - not our house, but you get the idea.     

Somehow, many of them managed to enter into the house last fall. This past November I noticed a cluster of them nestled in the upper corner of the living room ceiling (too high to reach). Soon I found them in most every room of the house. I spotted them crawling on the window sills or flying around the lights – hearing the "ting" of their shells hitting the fixtures. Eventually they'd drop somewhere (once in the butter dish) and soon perish - unless I got to them first.  That was then. Now, it is March and I am STILL dealing with them. I am well beyond the gross stage. They've pushed me very, very close to F-bomb status.

Unwelcome sight in my upstairs studio - ugh.

I have no problem killing bugs, especially non-native, invasive species. But there were so many. Using a tissue to capture each one seemed wasteful. Besides, I wasn't crazy about the ensuing stink and possible stain. I decided that sucking them up with a hand vacuum would be the most efficient method. Bad idea. The vacuum cleaner triggers the stinky defense mechanism. The odor distributes itself via the vacuums air exchange system, blowing the stench back in my face. Nice. Now it's personal. Time to get creative. This is where things take a turn.   
 
If you were to enter into our house today, you'd notice small pieces of blue painters’ tape stuck to the walls in some of the rooms. The hanging end would be folded into an unusual accordion shape. You'd be seeing my solution: With a piece of tape, I gently push on the bug (dead or alive) until it sticks, but not so hard to crush my nemesis. With fiendish delight I watch their legs wiggle uselessly. The cagier bugs play dead and lie motionless. Once secured, I fold the tape, seal the edges and stick the tape back up on the wall. It isn't pretty, but it works. Mission accomplished. 

Bring it on.

I started using the tape as a last resort, knowing it would be a clean and easy way to manage a temporary pest problem. I never imagined I would still be engaged in stink bug management in March. I am seeing fewer stink bugs as spring nears, but still discover enough to use the tape almost daily. Scientists and weather people provide multiple reasons why these pests are worse some years. I don't care about "why." I just want them gone. I want tape free walls.  

So where are the "real" ladybugs? Blame it on these very beetles: Non-native invasive Asian Beetle Bug, (Stink Bug). I'm not aware of definitive studies, but some web sites suggest the lady bugs population is declining (maybe even becoming endangered) due to the larger, more aggressive Asian Beetle Bug - and its voracious appetite, part of which includes our native and true "lady" bug.

Distinctive black "M" near the head distinguishes the Asian Beetle Bug.

No such marking on our charming native lady bug.

Say Good-Bye Already

Good advice isn't always easy to swallow, even when you know it's right.  An initial reaction of denial and insult is natural. It's easy to puff up ones chest and think, "What? No way." However, once the ruffled feathers are smooth and ones IQ returns...acceptance is inevitable. This is good.

Last weekend I had the benefit of having my blog read (and critiqued) by a professional writer/editor. He was complimentary: "Your writings have a down-home breezy feel to them, quite charming." How nice is that? I am  appreciative of his positive sentiment.

Among other suggestions for improvement, he offered the following: "Please, please, please quit using so many exclamation points." Did you notice? Not one, not two, but three "pleases". Ouch. He drove home this advice with a quote from one of his former journalism teachers: 

"At birth, each person is given one exclamation point to use in life, so use it wisely."


 Elaine from Seinfeld needs the same advice.

After mulling over his feedback, I opened my blog and re-read some of my posts - exclamation points now removed. Something magical had happened: The statements, sentences, everything improved. Where I thought it would detract, it now was better. Wow. (By the way, I really wanted to put an exclamation point at the end of that "wow" - it's like an addiction I am going to have to get over.) 

Did I hide any around the house?

I was surprised that something this simple and obvious could improve the quality of a sentence. Along with my surprise, I cringed thinking about how guilty I've been of "exclamation point" overload. The good news is that this is a habit that can be easily fixed. Knowing you have a problem is the first step. I'll start by going into all previous blog posts and removing exclamation points. 

Even though I felt humbled, there is nothing wrong with making mistakes and not being perfect. Solid, concise (quality) writing is not easy. As long as I keep an open mind and willingness to learn, I am okay with small embarrassments.

 I hope this editor continues reading my blog and provides additional constructive criticism. He gave me more advice then I've described in this post. I will reference his advice often. Many thanks to him. It might be baby steps, but I will always strive to improve.  

Finally, this is where I say good-bye and farewell...to the exclamation point. Until we don't meet again.

 



PS: Click here for a site that includes a helpful exclamation point guideline: "To exclamation point or not to exclamation point."

You Can't Go Wrong!

The exception.

I love reading. However, I am reluctant to write a "review" about a book. The internet is crowded with book reviews, many that I find boring. Recently I finished a book that left me with lingering thoughts about its subject, so today is the exception.

Some books can be read anywhere: bus, cafeteria, airport, laundromat, etc. Given a choice, I would rather read at home, in a quiet house, comfortably relaxing in my favorite chair, maybe a glass of wine at my side. Truth be told, some books demand a quiet environment.

Last week I finished one such book, John Steinbecks, East of Eden. I chose to read East of Eden because it's a classic, and requires a higher level of focus. Sometimes that is what I want from a book. It did not disappoint. Additionally, it's soon to be a movie. I want to have the novel read before I see the movie. All the stars aligned.

I jotted down brief character descriptions as each was introduced, so when I inevitably reached a critical juncture, I wouldn't be flipping back through pages asking myself "who was that again?" (Maybe I should save the wine for my next book.) In my defense, East of Eden spans seven decades, three generations and contains numerous characters. Once finished, I resolved that my next book would be a quick and easy read. My brain needed a break. The "quick and easy read" book is the one that left me with those lingering thoughts. It is the book I really want to get at. 

Recently I bookmarked a link to BuzzFeed Books: 53 Books You Won't Be Able to Put Down. After East of Eden, it was this list I was perusing when I found "The Curious Incident of the DOG in the NIGHT-TIME" by Mark Haddon. A fictional, best-selling, 393 page, two day, easy-breezy wonderful read. It's been around since 2003 and has been made into a Broadway play.
 
If you are curious, or have ever wondered about autism, or specifically, what it might be like inside the head of a child with autism, read this book - you can't go wrong.


Caveat: I am no expert. This is only one book with one perspective of one child with autism. Autism is a complex disorder and is not fully understood. It would be wrong to believe this book "captures it all."

The book does brilliantly capture the struggles of Christopher (the narrator and child with autism) and his estranged parents. There were moments when I felt anger and dislike towards all three of them. I thought the parents were particularly horrible at times. But I understood their overwhelming frustration and despair, and the reality of dealing with and accepting Christopher's disability: "This is how it is - we have no choice"
 

Christopher plans his day.

I couldn't help but cheer for Christopher. Conversely, I also wondered "what the hell is he doing?" Regardless, I very much wanted Christopher to succeed and resolve his problems. I marveled at his intellect. With Christopher as the narrator, I felt I had a first-hand view of his thought processes. I liked the authors use of illustrations to facilitate understanding. Once I knew what he was thinking, his actions made sense, even though his behavior remained unacceptable. What a conundrum. That is what left me with lingering thoughts. 

So what did I learn from this book? A need for empathy, increased awareness and understanding. Perhaps the next time I'm in a store and see a helpless parent standing next to a screaming, out-of control kid, I hope I have sufficient bravery to approach and ask, "Is there anything I can do?" I might get angrily shooed away and feel embarrassed. I might not be able to do a damn thing. However, maybe such a small gesture, is all that mom or dad needs in that moment.

Footnote:
The book is a work of fiction. The author is not comfortable with the label "Autism or Asperger Syndrome" when people describe his book, as he admits, he is not an expert in those areas. Further, he has stated "Curious Incident is not a book about Asperger's...if anything it's a novel about difference, about being an outsider, about seeing the world in a surprising and revealing way."  

FYI, film rights to the book were bought by Brad Pitt. 

Read it before the movie comes out!